Red Headed B*tch from Hel

Thoughts on fibromyalgia, health, things I do to try to fend off decades of bad living. I am currently disabled due to fibro. That list of crap goes on and on. But I am trying to live better, greener, healthier, and TRYING to reduce stress. So today's post will deal with: food.

I hate it. But I love it. There are days I completely forget to eat (seriously. Anyone with fibro fog may attest to it) and there are days I merely graze through things. This is not good. Then there are days when I spend precious pennies on junk food and candy. Also so not good for me.

Yesterday was Easter. Now, I don't celebrate Easter so much, not like most other people do. I note the seasonal change as Ostara, which never seems to coincide with the fanatical Easter celebration. But I do host a large breakfast for my family, and have done so since they were born every Easter Sunday.

I made Eggs Goldenrod, fresh Polish sausage with marjoram (which I foolishly browned in bacon grease so the delish of the sausage was overpowered with bacon flavor - as if that sentence could even make sense because I am a bacon fiend) and tried to cook a ham. However the pilot light of my hand-me-down-its-free-so-don't-complain oven kept going out so we just stuck with the other foods. Oh, and the bacon. Lets see...what else? Hot coffee, orange juice and milk. AND A CAKE. (gods. Trying to be healthy when there's a huge cake in the house is moronic.) And did I mention I was gluten intolerant? Well, there it was. A giant cake. Rising over all in the middle of the table like a fat little king.

Today I have left over half cooked ham, sausage, orange juice and cake. (hmmm. No leftover bacon. How odd.)

I managed to throw the cake away. It took a few tries. I had to bite it a few times to gain control over it but managed to get it into the bin with very little weeping. Then I threw in a bag of used cat litter to keep me from evil second thoughts. Seriously. I did.

I kept the giant rectangular plastic case it was in though, and this morning planted all my little attempts at herbal house plants and set them inside to roast in the sun. And possibly live to grow into sage, rosemary, thyme, cilantro, parsely and basil. We'll see. I actually have to set a reminder in my daily calendar to send me an email every other day to water my plants. The brain fog steals more than brain cells from me. It steals plant life unless I have it there yelping at me in the morning when I open my email reminding me that plants are people too. Plants don't scream at me or sit on my keyboard or stare in an aggressive non-blinking manner the way the cats do in order to compel me to feed and water them, so I tend to forget about them unless I remind myself in some way. Online calendars are the bomb for people like me. ( I just laughed at myself thinking about the cats trying to get me to feed them. "The power of Friskies compels you! THE POWER OF FRISKIES COMPELS YOU!!!")

In other news: I had a carton of cherry-applesauce singles that I got from the food pantry, three bananas, one over-ripe avocado, some raspberries, two pears and some spinach. All of which needed to be eaten immediately to avoid spoilage. Instead of making myself sick (and fat) from eating all that at once, I divided everything up into about 12 baggies, poured the leftover orange juice into each one, and put them into the freezer. Now I have a couple weeks worth of green smoothies to look forward too.

I actually felt accomplished after doing all that today. Threw away cake, (big score!), fed the cats, sort of mopped the kitchen floor (right now I have a possible broken collar bone, and a sprained ankle. Fibro makes me very clumsy at times, and I was born awkward, so life is a series of tumbles. In many ways. So, sort-of mopping is a hilarious yet news worthy endeavor.) Made my smoothies, put the cartons and plastics into the recycling bin, and in a last burst of energy, made some cinnamon streusel iced tea. Better for me than soda. Except that I crave a soda.

I try not to think of the kitty littered cake that is now safely bagged and in the outside container waiting to be taken away. Trying not to think of something is the same thing as thinking of something all the time, I have discovered.

I think I'll have some tea.

I am to be a grandma. Twice over. Newt and Chique will welcome a new addition in June. How time has flown. So when they marry I will become the official step-grandmother of Minnie (Chique's little girl) and now...the new Newtling. In true Newt fashion he has decided that if it is a boy, he will name it Ragnarok Astinos, or Agemmemnon Leonidas. Chique has revoked his naming rights at this point.

Chique is doing fine, and has a small bump in front now. So amazing to me. Yes, obviously I once owned several of those small bumps when it was my turn to do so, and this new small bump, inside someone else, has the power to transform me into a haze of wonderment again.

Now that they live above me, I have re-opened a door in my living room which leads out into the main hallway (now abandoned and dark) of this once magnificent house. There is a winding staircase (again, once beautiful but now chopped up and destroyed) that leads to the second, third and fourth floor. Now Newt, Chique and Minnie can come down the stairs and come right into my living room. It's much nicer than trying to navigate the (now) treacherous wooden stairs outside that they normally have to use. So much cozier. I had blocked it off because the horrible third floor people let their children run wild and they broke into my house several times via that doorway. Since they are gone, (with everyone else) Newt's family and I have run of the entire house. We are alone here, except for whatever else walks that stairwell, and it's cool. So much like old times when Newt would get a wild hairy-ass theory and would burst into my bedroom talking a mile a minute. Now he bursts into my living room, relays his newest medical invention, conspiracy theory or revelation (or just borrow a hammer) and disappears again. It is so like home again.

About 4-5 feet of snow piled up here at the moment, the least amount is waist deep, and it is not letting up. We got hit hard earlier this week, had a brief pause for a day, then it started up again. One poor guy died in his car in the middle of a town nearby. Right in the middle of town on the main street. He apparently went through a T crossing and into a snowbank across the intersection, and all night plows covered his car. Found him the next day when plows tried to widen the road a little. He was buried in 12 feet of snow. It's pretty grim.

Trees are breaking in half and falling, roofs are caving in. I was in the Blizzard of 77 when I was young. This is as bad except without the wind we had then. Just unrelenting, non stop snow. Some places getting about 6 inches in an hour. But the wind we do have is piling it up 10 feet or more. Sometimes in an hour or so. Unbelievable.

The NFL is pushing Buffalo to have their game on Sunday and what an uproar. They want to have the game, Buffalo does not, people are dying, ambulances cannot get through, people stranded everywhere, some people losing electriciy..shame on the NFL for being so heartless about it. Travel bans everywhere, snowmobiles delivering food and medications and all the NFL can think of is the bottom dollar. Even if they did, with the travel bans, all snowplows out trying to dig out whole towns and villages (and the NFL expects Buffalo to divert them to the stadium parking lot) so no driving there, no parking if you get there, and people are supposed to sit and enjoy a game during a Federal disaster. What the hell. Just... what the hell.

This weekend it is expected to be up in the 50's, so the flooding will be horrible. I can't even wrap my head around it right now. Yet 12 miles away on either side of this 8 mile wide band...maybe 5 or 6 inches of snow on either side of this thing. And it just won't go away.

Memes on facebook: Come to Buffalo for the culture, stay because you can't find your damn car.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=244o_2ZNh5w&feature=youtu.be

Morning Glory passed yesterday at 5:42 p.m. PST. Here's Oberon's post on GoFundMe:


"My beloved has passed beyond the veil. She drew her final breath at 5:42 yesterday afternoon. Her handmaidens, students and priestesses prepared her body and dressed her in her beautiful Sea Priestess robes. She is now lying in grace in the Temple for a few days until we take her body to its final resting place in the Earth. It's been an incredible week--grief and joy intermixing like a lava lamp. So many beautiful loving people gathered around, taking care of everything. That's all I can really say right now...I can barely see to type."

I am oddly moved, saddened, and yet full of a mixture of awe. I have always followed the news and information of the Ravenhearts. Too many bits of information to post about here, just know that there were many connections, coincidences and simularities to my own Earth experiences.

I posted about this elsewhere, and thought I would share this here.

As I said in other posts: "A life well lived, and a life well loved"

You know now, MG, how much I appreciated you. Thank you. Now you Grok in Fullness.

Blessings

My newest favorite instrument. No, I do not have one. But I *want* one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XERv1ZZDuTg

Ok. So my ex and I, over the years, have a fairly good relationship. He is like a cousin that you love because he's family, and defend for the same reason, but there's that little 'off' thing that keeps you from being best buds. And that's ok. Because sometimes we still do fight and it brings it all back and I weep and gnash my teeth and it's still tender. After all these years.

But...he affords me and the kids some moments of hilarity.

He is old, old school. Before computers. He's basically a good ol' boy. Who married a complete geek, nerd...whatever you want to call me. Roman Catholic former Marine Corps sgt. meets gypsy hippy peace freak alternative religion chick. You can tell already where it all went to.

So Newt, my offspring who is completely as geeky as I am, fixed his dad UP. Gave him a huge honkin' new computer that he rebuilt, got him a terrabyte hard drive, set up him wirelessly so that the computer works on his big screen tv...omg. And his dad LOVED it.

Thinking out loud, his dad said.."I am going to go get a wireless keyboard, and a wireless mouse, and just be able to sit here and work off the the TV and not have to wear my old man glasses."

Magoo freaked. He and Newt had already planned on buying, as a birthday gift next month, a Steelers wireless keyboard and a Steelers wireless mouse, because we are all HUGE Steelers fans. Oh noes. Daddy is going to spend money on stuff they already have plans for. So Magoo, in straight face and serious as a heart attack says "Dad. No. Just no. Wireless technology will ruin your computer if you stress it like that."

His dad looked at him, and after a moment (while Magoo was thinking oh shit, he's not going to believe me) says, in all heartfelt seriousness "Aww. No. Really? Shit." and that was the end of that.

Oh my dear gods I am crying with laughter. It is SO CUTE that he believed that, SO CUTE that he is that sweetly naive, and SO FUNNY that Magoo nipped that in the bud with such an outrageous remark.

Now they will have to convince him that , "Really, it's ok Dad. We were just kidding" when they give him his birthday present.

found this in my deadjournal. I had forgotten all about that blog.



Tragically betrayed by her father Agamemnon, who had tricked her by a promise of marriage to Achilles, and was instead dragged to her sacrifice in order to right a wrong of his. Her death allowed the winds to stir across the ocean and allow the launch of the Greek fleet of ships to attack Troy. This is a reflection of her shock, betrayal, and ultimate sense of mordancy.

Iphigenia
~~~~~~~
The curtain stirs,
whispers soft maledictions,
and falls silent.

Claws, icy and tenacious
remove themselves bloody from my heart
only to clutch again in mad spasms.
The silence assails like pandemonium.
My breath, muted thunder,
mocks me from far corners.
The waiting becomes my very life.
A life nothing more than a term of wager;
a child's laughter weighed against a valued return
a maiden's beauty used for personal gain.
Innocence plundered for despicable reward.
It is the way of the living lords.

Though expected,
the knock shatters crystal sanity.
The most unbelievable of all has occurred;
There will be no rescue,
no second chance,
no time to reflect on this great event.
Songs of my honor will fall cold upon me
clotted with dirt of decayed power.
How to grasp this cruel reality
That there will be no more?

Nerveless now, I am borne
to the dark gate
by silent, faceless men
cloaked in robes of night.
A marriage bed lies cold with treachery.
The wind will soon forget my name;
In fact, has done so even now,
wailing into silence
to curl, waiting for the moment
when it can sigh in the next perfect ear.


Copyright © 1977 BET
All Rights Reserved

Sick as hell, just came from the doctor's office in another town from where I live, and wanting to go home FAST so that I can get back into jammies and bed and practice my 'not dying now' skills: but first, a quick stop at the dollar store to buy some cat food so that if I do die, my kitties will be full and not be tempted to eat my face before I am found. Just a small plan, nothing major. Run in (ok, drag myself through the store as if auditioning for the part of Quasimodo, but only if it were a modern day play where Quasimodo used a shopping cart as a stage prop) grab a bag of cat food, and out the door again to drive my feverish ass home through a snow stormy day. My plan was to not die in the store, not die on the way home, and not die before I fed my kitties. After that it was up for grabs but at least my face would not have to be reconstructed in the worst case scenario.

As I came through the door, there was one person at the counter checking out, and a few people in the store. By the time I got the cat food and came back to the front of the store, there were about 10 people in line. Ok, shit, I feel like crap and I have no makeup on and I've been crying all day from being sick, so I do look like I have just come from a week long concert as part of the Rob Zombie entourage, but I don't know these people so I'll stand here and begin my 'not dying now' practice early. To add to my joy, there was some issue with the people actually AT the register trying to cash out, something that apparently needed the cashier to telephone some third world country that did not have phone service in order to complete the cashing out process, so I was prepared to wait a few extra minutes which were starting to weigh in on me, hard. I seriously thought about going and grabbing a dollar pillow and laying my head down on the shopping cart handle while I waited for what seemed forever, but then I thought "it will be over soon".

( Read more... )

I have no idea who you are, Lady. But you did me a solid. I will probably never see you again, but I will always remember you for that little kindness. And I will pay it forward. Because it does matter.

Still snowing, but not too bad.

Must at least let you know the previous entry was made while in the throes of a terrible fever/flu episode. I do physically feel much better today, but the feelings I had yesterday remain. It's so strange, my dear journal, to realize that I used to be the Center of the Universe for so many people, especially (if you have bothered to follow this for any length of time, lol) my kids.

Now they are all grown and living their own lives.

I used to be a star at my job. And now my career is over and I enter another Age of my life. One I don't like so well.
I fear dying alone and my poor kitties will be forced to eat my face. (although that tickles my gruesome side quite a bit.)

ANYWAY: I don't think I have fever any more. I was quite emotional and called my S.O's to let them know that I was sick. Just so someone, anyone, knew. I just needed someone to hear me. Quite upset with myself, actually, to have broken down like that but, eh. It happens.

I fell into a feverish sleep last night around 10, thinking I was going to die I hurt so bad. Not sure if it was a MONSTER fibro flare, or the flu, or the flu with fibro intensity. Whatever it was it was horrible. But now, 8 hours later, I am up and watching the snow fall outside my window and remembering how on ANY other day of the year, when I was a kid, I would have slept till the last second before having to get up for school, but on snowy days, I was up at 5 am listening to the radio repeat the school closings over and over and over. LMAO!! The irony of that just slays me.

really tired of being hurt by what people post on Facebook. Even if it's not about me. It actually hurts me to see people post shitty things about people I love, even if they don't mention who they are talking about. *I* know. And I know when it's unfounded, or just trying to be snotty. Or maybe I don't know, but it makes me think things about other people and stirs up bad feelings.

People always post about earning respect, and about manners, and sarcasm. Then they do the same exact thing to other people that they are posting about.

I don't get it.

I have done it myself, I know. But now I am ashamed of myself. Maybe just seeing it over and over and over just hardened my heart about it. At least I have learned.

I feel like there is a hole in the Collective Conscience that is growing. Much like the hole in the ozone layer. Just poisonous stuff oozing out and creating hurt and sad feelings that will linger for generations. Imagine all those who come after us reaching out for awareness and knowledge and it's just poisoned by all the venom and ill will that people are not only exposing, but feel that they have the right to expose. It only exposes more about the posting person than I think they really want people to know.

Sorry to go on about FB again, but it is so depressing. I went on there today to look around and first thing I saw was a post that made me feel sad, and mad, and upset.

I don't want to do that. I don't want to see what people have become, and I don't want to get angry anymore.

I think I am sad because way back in the '80's, computer social media was new, and exciting, and seemed to promise so much. I worked so hard at it, creating email routes that went around the world in less than a day (believe me, that was some kind of exciting back then,lol) and bulletin boards so that people could connect and share information...and it has boiled down to this. Yeah, there were always Trolls out there, and Flamers (not gay, btw. It meant people who deliberately started arguments just for the sake of arguments) but now there are no moderators, no one to say 'hey, tone it down' or 'knock it off' and people actually behaved themselves or were deleted from the thread. Moderators had some kind of mysterious granted authority to keep the peace and add or delete people, and no one was hurt from that, because they knew they had earned whatever they got, and no one took it personally. Now if you delete someone or block them, it becomes a personal attack, because YOU are the one adding or deleting, and people can take it personally. To the point that it trivializes everything. Really? Delete your loved ones? How far down that rabbit hole can we go?

So many people get hurt, even people the posting person did not mean to hurt. Especially when there is no other communication than a snotty or self righteous meme.

I am 54 years old. I don't need to be schooled or talked down to or reminded of things. I just wanted to go on and catch up with people and try to get things off my mind that are crushing me, and first off, a post that made me feel bad.

Forgive me for going on and on about this stuff. I am only posting here now because I am so out of practice and I did want to reach out, even if it never gets read. I am trying so hard to be part of a multiverse of enlightened people, and it is so discouraging to see how little it all means.