Aug. 26th, 2003

ravenhart: (Default)
I must share.

You all understand what a horrible week I had last week. I thought I was going to implode or something. But, we got Mom some wonderful drugs, and made peace with the passing of my Uncle Deke, who was quite a trickster. He was the funniest man on the face of the planet. We laughed a lot over some of the stories, and cried even more. But still, it was so much stress. So, I took hiatus. (All was well. My brother was doing the MOM shift, Dad had some frozen dinners to nuke up, and it was "get outta here. Go get away. Relax or something. You look like shit!") And, as Irish do, we drink quite wonderfully when someone dies.

So, this weekend I spent time with a wonderful bunch of people. The band that I forever stalk had their annual bacchantal, and so, of course, I went. All was going fabulously well, and I was pacing myself rather excellently (so as to avoid the 'fell-down-drunk-went-boom-boom-out-go-the-lights-ahh-shit-I-missed-all-the-good-stuff' syndrome) when Mother Nature, (who had obviously been imbibing in the Green Faery herself) decided to pull a good one on me.

There was a porta-potty this year. (We are not even going to discuss the debauchery of last year. Just trying to sneak off into the woods to take a quick whiz became an episode of 'The Most Dangerous Game')

All was well at first. Of course, it was daylight. But then, after daylight comes... general darkness. And we are in the new moon. We are talking about the blackest black night. So, trying to use the porta potty which was located near the ravine under a large tree (nicknamed 'The Cave of the Winds' by the end of the evening) was rather... difficult. First you lurch to the general vicinity. There was a lantern hanging on a hook by the door, but there was no light inside. Once inside, you knew what Tutkahamen felt like when the door swung shut for the last time (at least, for several thousand years.)

But, you've done this a million billion times (in fact, had been practicing all day) so you just relied on past experience. First there is the 'hover', and then, the sound. Like Niagara Falls in a rainstorm. Falling, down, down, away from you safely. Out with the bad, in with the good (as I usually had a Guinness in my hand the whole time.)


What SON of SATAN leaves the FLIPPIN' LID DOWN when it is SO PITCH BLACK you couldn't see past your own straining EYEBALLS??? AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT THEY DID????

First. The hover. Got that going all well, but... but... that's not the SOUND!
Well, it was a SOUND, but not the RIGHT sound!! OH GOD! OH GOD NO! I AM OFF CENTER OR SOMETHING!!!

So now, if you will, imagine me swinging my ass around wildly, because by this point the dam has burst and there's no saving the village, trying to find THE SOUND!! THE SOUND!! COME ON!! I LIVE FOR THE SOUND!!

Seconds later, I realized the full horror of what was happening. I was pissing on the lid. Not just ON the lid, but sharing the wealth with everything within the enclosed radius. And gods forbid you should TOUCH anything!! Must have looked like a semi-nude version of 'The Safety Dance', if, in fact you could have SEEN IT!!!

And it was pouring, like a river, into the seat of my pants.

Remember Kubrick's "The Shining"? At the end? When Jack is just a'hellin down the hallway? That was me, albeit with a decided duckwalk, headed back to my tent afterwards to look for anything dry to put on.

You know how someone always says, smugly, "Well, you know what? I would rather be pissed off, then pissed ON!"

I shall kill the next person who ever says that to me.

Uncle Deke would have been so proud. :) In fact, I am laughing right now. I can just hear him telling the story...


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